Crumby's Favorite Saks

Crumby has been hoarding or collecting saks for a couple of months now.  Maybe longer.  So what saks are his favorites so far?  Well.  It figures that the favorites would be those that may be integrated with another of Crumby's hobbies, lady watch battery replacement.  Or actually, any procedure that requires the removal of a lady watch back.

Yet the deal is,  a lady watch is usually lilliputian.  So big clunky blades, such as those we are now viewing, probably won't help with opening them up or spreading their le...

Whoa!  Crumby got distracted.  But he's back to normal or average, now.  Forgive me, Goddess!

OK.  These knives here depicted are Crumby's favorites regarding form, rather than function.  They are elegant knives, fit cutlery for cutting , like manna and, uh, olives.  Or other immortal food.  Like spreading honey on milk.

Anyway, the little blades (Victorinox orange and Wenger blue) are supposedly good for opening snap back watch cases.  Big, snap back cases.  Like Russian cases produced by Neanderthal slave laborers in the Gulag Archipelago.  Like that big.

No.  These probably won't open many lady watch snap back case backs.  Yet they are pretty and will pry the scales off saks.  So maybe that's what they are good for.  Sak scale prying.  Meanwhile, if you need a lady case back removal tool that may work swell, consider the Wenger fine screwdriver tip on the 65mm Wenger sak models. Crumby's unsolicited recommendation.

Marlboro Victorinox (Updated)

Apparently,  a while back, Victorinox, the surviving Swiss Army knife manufacturer, and Marlboro, of rustic cowboy or cowgirl cigarette fame, forged an alliance.  Then, if an average dumbass smoked plenty of cigarettes, he/she qualified as a member of the Marlboro Adventure Team and got access to "free" saks. How many went from two to three packs a day to earn a spot on the Adventure Team? What a price they paid, maybe.  Well.  Good for them.  Can you say, natural selection?

Anyway.  Plenty of people got those free saks.  Yet many  then died of lung cancer before they could enjoy the deployment of  those knives against rapists or suchlike terrorists.  So these days, many of those Marlboro knives are flogged on EBAY.  But how many of those knives, in pristine condition, still contained  in relatively semi-fondled boxes, come from a smoke free environment.  Mercy me, and me oh my!  Not many, Crumby reckons.

Yet as an avid, average collector,  Crumby desires some of those Marlboro saks for his hoard.  I mean collection.  However, Crumby does not wish for exposure to toxic box syndrome, a potentially fatal, viral germ that dwells on old Marlboro exposed cardboard, infesting millions with cancer virus and maybe canker sores too.

What to do?  What to do?   Crumby might request that the vendor send the knife, absent the box.   But the box, makes the knife worth more to an average collector.  But what if the box carries cancer germs?  Mercy!  Whatever shall Crumby do?

It's now a few days later.  Goodness!  Crumby meant to bid on some Victorinox Marlboros.  But then he either fell asleep or was watching TV when those particular knives were won by someone else; at a very good price.  Evidently, many are as concerned about cancer germs as Crumby.  But not all.

Can cancer germs live for a great while on stainless steel?  Probably not. But what about Cellidor, which is melted down pvc granules.  Crumby figures those could easily be impregnated with long-lived cancer germs.  Easily!  Then those germs could be spread globally by passenger saks.

Well.  Maybe not easily.  But possibly.

Crumby has a home made passenger sak.  Or Passenger,  the common name of that particular Victorinox model.  But common names, regardless of taxon level, have always driven Crumby nuts.  Like what would any sak, getting itself toted, be called, if not a passenger?  Yet to be a Passenger, it would need an official configuration.  No wonder that model is discontinued.  A small victory for logic on a small planet dominated by the illogical.

Round and Round and Round It Goes

And where it stops, nobody knows.

Could this passel of  homespun dogma apply to tiny Planet Earth?  Probably not.  The homespun are too ignorant to think globally.  So they would not have made any dogma with planet-scale applications.

Yet we, meaning everybody we know, are embarked on a seemingly perpetual loop around Ogma Sunface, that red hot thermal furnace suspended in close proximity, outer space.  Round and round and round we go.  Where shall we stop?  Nobody knows.  No.  Nobody knows.

Maybe, there's no stopping.  I mean, part of us could keep going, always, no matter what.  Even out of orbit.  What, if most of some part of us actually left orbit?  Goodness!

The truth is,  now is a tough time for Druids.  Our new year began back on December 22nd of the Julian.  Therefore, we are well along on our annual journey.  But almost everyone else, Julian users, are biding time, waiting for the journey to commence.

If the universe was fair, all this would mean that Druids have a head start on the regular dumbasses.  But the universe is not fair.  Not by homespun notions anyway.   So instead of getting a nice head start, the Druids must wait around for everyone to get ready for the New Year.  Thus, we can all go ahead on together,  Mercy!

The Wenger Rape Whistle Proves Irresistible

At this very nonce, by the count of the Julian, only three days remain until Wenger shall be out of the knife business forever, maybe.  That fact put lots of pressure on Crumby, an average knife hoarder.  I mean collector.  Like what if all of a sudden someone in authority decided to melt down the remaining stock of unsold Wengers.  Then, what would happen to the attached, already possibly rare, rape whistles.  Would they melt those down too?  Mercy!

So in a panic, Crumby broke down and ordered a new Wenger Matterhorn, the only extant model that features the rape whistle tool.  Interestingly, the cheapest EBAY vendor of this Wenger model, the Matterhorn, ECOP, may specialize in sales to the various, multitudinous police forces necessary for the maintenance of the pseudo-peace in barbarian America.  Hmm.  Crumby can see how cops need rape whistles more than anybody, maybe.

Before Crumby ordered his Matterhorn, he made sure that it would come to the Cow Barn tightly sealed in a box or packaging; thus, to insure nobody had done any fart whistles or suchlike with Crumby's forthcoming rape whistle prior to its arrival at Crumby's nearly virginal lips. Yes.  It needs to be a brand spanking new, never before used, totally sanitary, rape whistle.  For Goddess sakes.

Which blows away Crumby's main collecting rules, Buy Used, or, Buy People's Republic.

Unfortunately, aside from the rape whistle, the Matterhorn is pretty lame.  It's main blade is 60% serrated, so it's hard to sharpen.  It has two Phillips screwdrivers.  Hopefully, different sized, but Crumby wouldn't bet on it. It has a dopey snap shackle which is only handy if you don't know any French.   Everything else is the usual truck.   Yet Crumby really wanted that whistle.  For goodness, gracious sakes, alive.

Passenger

If you are a hoarder, I mean collector, of Swiss Army knives, you may be aware that some desirable models of those knives are no longer manufactured.  Like for example the Victorinox Passenger.  The Passenger is a Victorinox Explorer minus the scissors tool.  So theoretically,  one could take the scissors out of an Explorer (a current, widely available model), rebuild the knife, and wallah, Passenger.   So that's what Crumby did.

Here is the semi-finished result.  Note the dimples on the scale where Crumby didn't hammer the replacement pins sufficiently.  Yet those are the scales that came off the original Explorer, so they are of doubtful utility in the first place.

OK.  Messing around with these knives is lots of fun.  But there are a couple of major downsides.  The scales are a downside.  Chances are, when you pop the scales off, you damage the attachment points so they no longer snap on.  So you either glue the scales back on, or purchase replacement scales at $10-12 a pop plus postage.  The other downside is the bushings.  On a typical 91mm knife there are six bushings (three sets) which sit on either end of the pins, holding the knife together.  The only way to get replacement bushings is from another similar knife.  So if an average knife refussticator (sic) like Crumby busts a bushing or two during dis assembly, he must take apart yet another knife to get more bushings. It's a waste of knives I tell you!!!!

Another goofy issue is,  Why would anyone want a knife without scissors versus an otherwise identical knife with scissors?  Well.  Turns out, for Crumby, three layers of knife is the pants pocket maximum (ppm) that's tolerable. And in this case, the scissors make four layers.   Course, any one of the four layers could be sacrificed.  Like the can opener/bottle opener layer or even the knife layer could be sacrificed.  But if the knives got sacrificed, the result wouldn't be a knife. Would it?

Oh!   Crumby almost forgot.  The play in the tools and the "snappiness" can not be distinguished from new, or thereabouts.  Matter of fact, Crumby's Outdoorsman is fixing to get worked on next.  Cause that Outdoorsman we are now discussing has never been right.

After the Wenger Mountain Bike or Evolution Biker 37 SAK, What's left?

Even a tool-centric collector like Crumby can resist certain sak tools.  Like if they are related to golf. Crumby can easily resist those.  Because Crumby disapproves of the game, golf.  But sak tools for cycling are way too much of a temptation.  No way Crumby could pass on a Biker 37 in practically new condition with a nice leather pouch.  Crumby would have paid more than he did for all that.  Not lots more.  But some more.

Anyway, Crumby can definitely imagine using the bike specific tools that come with his Wenger Mountain Bike, or as its now called, the Evolution Biker 37; same difference maybe. That tool sticking out the left end of the knife is the chain rivet tool.  Crumby can definitely imagine pushing a rivet out with that, and maybe he can imagine pushing one in too.  Not just bike chain rivets either.  Also, that 5mm Allen, which unscrews all the way out of the chain tool, fits all the brake bolt heads on all Crumby's bikes.

The tool that's loose in the picture features two different size spoke tools.  They work OK, but the material is too thin for Crumby's liking.  You want to get a good grip with a spoke wrench to keep the tool from slipping and rounding off your spoke nipple.  There; I said it; nipple. The screwdriver on that end is probably worthless.  That thing in the middle is a 10mm wrench.  Some bikes have 10mm nuts.  The other end should work as a tire tool in a pinch.  And the way that tool hooks into and out of the knife is pure genius.  Good luck though, finding something on a bike that the pliers and wrench will do any good on.

In general then, Crumby is mighty happy with his newest Wenger.  He can imagine doing plenty of imaginary fix or repair daily with it.

Plus now, the only other Wenger sak tool that Crumby is lacking, that he really wants, is the Wenger whistle, also known as the Wenger rape whistle.   But a rape whistle is not a tool Crumby would be comfortable with purchasing used.  Like you wouldn't know where a used rape whistle has been.  And Crumby, for one, would never trust a vendor not to fib about a rape whistle's history.

Like this one vendor claimed that his rape whistle was more valuable because it was once the property of a famous French movie star who used it to bring down an avalanche on a potential rapist.  Yet that's too much information.  So Crumby needs a new rape whistle sealed up in its original packaging, complete with documentation.  Which is a stark departure from Crumby's usual rule, Buy used.  Yet if you can't buy used.  Buy People's Republic.

Well.  Fortunately, there are plenty of vendors vending new Wenger rape whistles.  Plus, the new rape whistles, common name Matterhorn, also feature another Wenger tool Crumby lacks.  That tool is the snap shackle tool which is also known in France and part of Switzerland as a carabiner.   Go figure!  Crumby doesn't want a carabiner on a sak, but he'll take one if that's the only way to get a pristine rape whistle.

Old People will Complain about Anything

So Crumby espies this Victorinox Compact sak on EBAY.  It's a buy it now deal for a low price.  So Crumby figures it's fairly beat up.  And Crumby wants a beat up one to take apart.  Crumby's reasoning is reinforced by the pictures provided by the vendor which appear to show discolorations on various tool surfaces.

Then the Compact arrives in the mail practically instantaneously.  Crumby inspects it, only to discover it is just about brand new.  The discolorations were oil, possibly applied by the vendor and not wiped off before the picture taking session.

Like here that knife is being photographed by Crumby with Crumby's favorite exercise pants providing the background.  Like you might think those white spots are imperfections on the scales.  They are not.  Most likely they are dandruff.

Now Crumby is stuck with a practically brand new knife, parsimoniously acquired,  that he can't take apart without feeling super guilty.  See.  Old people will complain about anything.

Actually, that Compact Combo Tool, the hybrid bottle can opener pictured opposite the blade, looks to be lame in the can opener department.  Why the business end isn't even sharp.  How is that gonna work?  Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Sak Collecting is Like the Temptation of Jesus

Jesus!  You should eat the rest of that goat.

No.  I am too full already.

As everyone in their right mind knows, Crumby is a tool-centric sac collector.  Witness the arboreal related knives below.  But what happens when a knife with beautiful scales is offered up on EBAY.  Like for example, a Wenger Lancelot.  Goodness!

OK.  Well, Crumby already has a Wenger Champ, which is the same difference as the Lancelot, but with normal red plastic scales instead of the beautiful rampant, black metallic scales of the Lancelot.  So what should Crumby do?  Go temporarily non-tool-centric.  For Goddess sake.

Then as some mortals and all the major, higher powers are aware, Crumby is also a cyclist.  Yes.  Crumby believes that the bicycle is the ultimate mode of transportation except for maybe the imaginary hypoallergenic horse.  No. No.  No.  Actually, there is no way a horse qualifies.  It would eat like a horse, hypoallergenic or not.  But never mind that.

What might happen though if at the same identical time that Crumby was offered a Lancelot, he was also offered a Wenger Mountain Bike?  Whoa!  OK.  Calm down.

Are any of the tools on the Mountain Bike actually worth a scum sucking pig?  Like, would Crumby go off on a bike ride with the Mountain Bike, and expect that the Mountain Bike would do something useful, ever?  Would Crumby rather go off on a ride with a scum sucking pig on a leash?  It's a tough call.

But the above example, that almost stretches skyward to the level of a Druid Dichotomy, scale versus tool, is exactly what the sak collector can face in real life as Earth whirls about.  Then, besides all that, there's sak configuration too.  Like number of layers.  And which tools per layer.  Not to mention the twain potential brands. Another deal for the collector to deal withe.  Jeez Louise!  An average collector has to draw the line somewhere. Or go mad.  Completely rectum boggling or buggering  mad.

I'll Cut Yer Guts Loose from Yer Backbone

Yes. Ray would do precisely that. If you are an evil doer. But probably not with one of these knives. No. These knives are the Victorinox Gardener, Pruner and Grafter, supposedly designed for the affliction of shrubbery and small trees. Especially fruit trees. Like one of these could have been employed long ago on the CB plums that can't decide if they are plums or peaches. Mercy! Some years it's peaches.  Some years it's plums.  Regardless, the botanical emergency knife collection is complete. Praise the Goddess!

The Good Die Young

It is a well-known law, rule, axiom or guideline of folklore that the good die young. But few know or agree that the good die young is merely an end point on the scale of life as we know it. And on that scale occurs everybody, with the good, young dead on one end, and the old, evil lively on the other. Everyone else is in the middle, relatively good maybe, but growing more evil as the world turns, whirling along on Earth's seemingly endless regular route. Think of it this way. Earth is the planet of the old, evil live. Or maybe the planet where the old, evil live. I mean stay.

Today was Frostweed Day

Today was the best Frostweed Day in Ray's experience. And Ray has experienced some great frostweed days.  Weird too.  Because last night was maybe the eight frost of the season.  Look how green that St. Augustine still is for Goddess sakes.

Starting to really like the Rockinon 8mm fisheye for botanical emergency shots.

Tool-Centric SAK Collecting

Once an average collector like Crumby imagines he could employ a particular sak tool, a day on tiny Planet Earth shall not pass 'ere Crumby possesses that tool.  Even knowing, once the tool is procured, as was the case with the Wenger wrench, Crumby winds up searching the entire Cow Barn for a nut to put that wrench on and can only find one; which nut holds a reflector on an old mountain bike.  But hey. What if that nut ever came loose while the Wenger wrench was handy?  Instafix!   Anyway, it's the imagination that counts.

 Actually, the Wenger wrench would probably fit more nuts if it wasn't attached to a sac, or even if it was better disposed on the sac.  But never mind that.  Crumby has found himself imagining using sac pliers.  And here those are;  Wenger sac pliers.  In addition to imagining squeezing the bejesus out of lilliputian whatnots, an average collector can imagine cutting wire with the Wengers.  Plus, they are slip joint and open yea verily wider than the jaws of the imaginary great fish that many imagine swallowed the imaginary Jonah.

So far, as the world turns, Crumby has found no practical application for his sac pliers.  However, he has imagined using them quite a bit. Like maybe on a model train.  Like for moving the scenery. If Crumby had a model train set with scenery.  Imagination is key.

Swiss Army Knife Magnifiers

Today Crumby is rating the various magnifiers on his sacs for functionality versus coolness.   The four magnifiers are, from left to right:  the old style Victorinox, the new style Victorinox, the Wenger with a home-made lens and a regular Wenger.  Crumby employed these devices upon subjects he might be liable to view with a magnifier during his diurnal activities or more likely in a dimly lit motel room at night.  The subjects were:  Juncus dudleyi florets and seeds, Andropogon gerardii florets, fine print on Harbor Freight flyer.  (Shop the People's Republic for the best deals).

Well.  The only one of the four that Crumby would actually attempt to use regularly for gazing upon the subjects we are now discussing is the new Victorinox.  That's because it is lower magnification and has a wider field of view than its competitors.  Also,  because it is bigger, the annoying field curvature that plagues the other three is much less apparent in the new Victorinox.  For comparisons sake, it is probably about as good as a cheap 5-10x loupe, but gets waxed by a nice size 5x linen tester. However, you don't have to carry a loupe or linen tester, (also very easy to lose), and you get the other tools that go with the knife.

The other magnifiers are not much count for anything other than occasional casual observation in good light. The old Victorinox is marginally better than the Wengers, but not so much better that you would actually want to use it for any amount of time. The Wengers are so high powered and have such a narrow field of view with pronounced curvature at the edges that they are especially hard to use.  Think cheap 10x 18mm bins. Mercy!

Many appreciate that of the twain, the old Vic is cooler looking than the new one.  Crumby reckons, maybe so.  However, the Wengers are definitely way cooler looking than the Vics; mounted in a stainless steel frame with a screwdriver tip.  Hmm.  Crumby would never use those screwdrivers on a live screw though.  Why?  Easy that, the torque exerted might pop out the lens.

What a goofy tool combo.  You know though.  If you took the magnifier/screwdriver out of the knife, then hung it on a chain around your neck, it might then be interpreted by many as a religious icon.  Maybe even a Druid religious icon.  Praise the Goddess!

OK. What other tool on a Swiss Army knife might a botanist find useful?  Give up.  It's the fish scaler/ ruler on the Vic.  Trouble is, the smallest denomination on the scale is a half centimeter for Goddess sakes.

An average botanist could, however, go for a Wenger Tool Chest with its combo plastic compass/ruler.  Trouble is, the Tool Chest is ridiculously stubby and you are still stuck with the goofy magnifier.  Upshot.  There are no really good, botanical emergency friendly sak solutions.

Limited by Imagination

Yes.  The average person is limited by his, her, its imagination.  (Its are like indeterminable.  Could be anybody  you may know is an its!  You just don't know).  So imagination, being fairly general in nature, can affect your hobby.  For example, Crumby only collects sacs that he can imagine using for something. But then Crumby got to thinking, Once upon a time I could have imagined employing an Oklahoma or Mexico wrench someway or another.  Does that mean I should consider a Wenger Tradesman for my collection?

Well.  The answer to that question turns out to be yes.  Crumby just purchased a Wenger Tradesman, used off  EBAY.  And of course, that particular previously owned Tradesman features pliers, also known as Mexican or Okie wrench.  Want to round off your nuts.  Use pliers.

But the particular pliers we are presently discussing are probably too little to do much damage.  Course that's speculation from this end as the knife avec pliers is not here yet.  Maybe it could do damage. Maybe.

Anyway, Crumby may have dishonored his sac collection if he can not imagine laying on some torque with the Wenger Tradesman pliers.  And make no mistake.  Crumby has to imagine using those pliers.  Yes.  He can't make subtle excuses like, Well, I could imagine using all the other tools.

The reasoning behind crumby's decision to acquire a sac with a tool he can't imagine using and a sac without a magnifier, thus violating most of Crumby's collecting guidelines) is that the sac we are discussing features not mere pliers, but slip joint pliers.  Plus. There shall be no more Wengers anon, alas, ever.  So they may skyrocket in value.  Uh. Actually, Crumby just desired a plier tool for his collection.  Mercy!  Collections do that to an average feeble-minded collector like Crumby.

The Prodigal Spartan

For years beyond count as tiny planet Earth metaphorically  circled round and round Ogma Sunface many times, Crumby relied upon his Spartan or his Tinker for sak surety.   Most recently it was the Tinker that succored Crumby. But sadly, that Tinker was lost in Alaska maybe, and shall never be seen again, alas, probably.  However, an average person may never know for sure if a sak is lost or lost lost.

Because Crumby's Spartan that Crumby had not espied in Goddess knows how long (which is why Crumby was relying exclusively upon the Tinker) somehow found its way into the pocket of a pair of Crumby's slender pants where it has apparently been residing an unimaginable depth or length of time since Crumby got too fat for those particular slender pants.  But now that Spartan is found and foremost on Crumby's consciousness.

Spartan
Explorer
Outdoorsman

                                


By the way, the names of saks are odd.  Like I can see why the Tinker would need a Phillips.  But why then does the otherwise identical Spartan need a corkscrew instead of a Phillips?  And why does the Mountaineer have a metal file?  While the Motorist features a wood saw.  And what about this goofiness;  Scientist-Passenger-Yeoman, all similar but with additional tools added from left to right.   It's crazy.

Plus, the only way you can ever know the crazy name for your model of sac is to keep the package or box it came in.  Cause the names are not on the knives, anywhere.  And even the package or box may not have the right name.  Like one of my sac boxes is a generic box that lists several models that could potentially go with that box.  Crazy I tell you.

Yet so far, the sacs we are discussing are just Victorinox sacs.   If Wenger sac names are included too, forget it.  Too crazy.  Since the names are so crazy anyway, Crumby may rename his sacs.  Midget, Whoremonger, Lazy Dog are some common names Crumby is considering.

Wenger Denger

Boy howdy!  The latest addition to my sac collection arrived today.  It is an aesthetically pleasing Wenger Monarch.  Not only is it aesthetically pleasing or beautiful, all the tools seem to be in working order. That is, they open and close easily with good snap.

No stripped scissors screw.  No cracked magnifier. No misaligned bottle opener banging the cellidor scale 'til it cracks.  None of that.  No.

Not that the various tools will ever do much actual work or chores.  They probably won't. But they could. Further, Crumby can easily imagine doing work or chores with this nice Wenger.  And that's what matters to a serious, average collector like Crumby.  Yes.  Whether or not he can imagine doing work with his knife.

Here is the Wenger Monarch sporting some tools.  Check out that old timey can opener.  Whoa!  Who doesn't love engraved directions on a tool?  Mercy.

Crumby's Good Day

Today is Crumby's birthday.  He is 66 and eligible for full Social Security.  Ha!

Not only that, Crumby may have made his free Wenger sac better.  Recall that the vendor of Crumby's free sac gave it to Crumby after Crumby discovered it was defective.  Like the scissors and the magnifier were both broke.

Loctite seems to have fixed the scissors.  But the magnifier has proved a nasty poser.  Like Crumby even e-mailed wengerna asking for help with his free, yet broke, Champ.   At first Crumby was hopeful, because the lady at wengerna requested Crumby send along a picture of his Champ.  Crumby obliged.  But then Crumby has never heard from that lady, that day to this; over a week.  Mercy!

Crumby also contacted smartknives.  Smartknives is who told Crumby to contact wengerna.  Mercy!

So today Crumby decided to take apart an old pair of Pentax bins.  You may know.  A pair of those midget, no account porro prisms that never stay aligned for more than a week.  Turns out, the right eye piece contained three positive meniscus lenses about 13.5 mm dia. and less than 2.0 mm wide at the center.  All Crumby  had to do was ground the edge of the lens down to 12 mm.  This he accomplished by rubbing the lens edgewise on a conundrum stone.    Well actually, not a conundrum stone, but a sharpening stone that Crumby can't remember how to spell that's similar to conundrum.

But as usual Crumby used excessive manpower, taking too much off the edge so that instead of snugging into the frame, the lens was too loose and had to be glued.  Not good.  However, since Crumby had previously employed Loctite on this very same sac, he decided to stick with Loctite.  But he made a terrible mess and got glue all over the lens and the magnifier holder as well.  Mercy!

Happily,  Loctite is soluble in Purple Primer.  Yes.  The same Purple Primer many may use on PVC pipes. The same Purple Primer that Crumby always has handy.  Here is a picture featuring the Wenger magnifier with new lens.  Note.  The Roswell flying saucer is upside down because the lens is beyond its very short FL.

Course, Crumby had to apply manly amounts of the Purple Primer to get all the glue off the lens.  Then lots of the Purple Primer may have migrated down into the glue holding the lens in place.  The fact is, that glue is now the Color Purple.  Dang!  Hopefully, the lens won't fall out thanks to the Purple Primer.

Also, thanks to plenty of Lotrimin AF ointment,  Crumby is about shut of his Tinea cruris.