Spring has Sprung

Yepper. Spring has sprung. Now, there are about 30 days left of spring. After that, summer sets in. But meantime, these parts get to enjoy what has become a six-week annual growing season. That’s right, many of the weeds and bugs are hustling to get it over with before the great heat of summer sets in. Many are also caching supplies in anticipation of the long hot summer, hoping to survive.

Praise the Goddess! Over the last 30 days, the CB has received about 3.1" of precipitation. What a mercy all that rain is/was. All the thirsty little seedlings at the CB enjoyed all that rain immensely. The hand or cotyledon clapping was joyful.

Eve’s necklace (Sophora affinis) is hoping to survive another long hot summer. Interestingly, Sophora affinis likes to conceal its flowers amid its foilage. Why does Sophora affinis do that?

Well. In the old days, camels used to afflict Sophora affinis. That’s correct. Those camels would strip the leaves off the poor little trees. But then people came along and ate all the camels. However, Sophora affinis was already in the habit of hiding its flowers in the foliage. So Sophora affinis continued to do all that even after all the camels were eaten up.

These days, flowers concealed in the vegetation, is considered counter adaptive, especially in the nursery trade. That’s why Sophora affinis is fairly unpopular when compared to the much better known and evergreen Sophora secundiflora.

Earth Hour!

What happened to Earth Day? What happened to National Dark Sky Week? Hey! The carnival is back for its annual visit. That must mean National Dark Sky Week is upon me.

Jeez Louise! The routine described here at the Cow Barn is become ancient tome-like, yea verily. Now, if I want to know what was going on last year at this time, all I have to do is click on the equivalent month of last year, and presto, all that was is revealed anew.

But this is the first I ever heard of Earth Hour, so that’s a new one on me. Nobody in these parts appears to have celebrated Earth Hour previously, or this year either. The fact is, more lights probably got turned on during Earth Hour in these parts, than turned off.

Sadly, Earth Hour in these parts is probably symptomatic. That’s right. The whole planet that many call Earth is fixing to get more, not less, lit up. That’s right. If these parts are exemplary, more outdoor lights come on all the time.

Madonna Needs to Adopt Old People

Like for example, Madonna could adopt me. I need help worse than some dern Malawite baby, for Goddess Sake! Plus, I am still fairly cute and almost entirely helpless just like an infant.

Yet seriously, these rich personalities ought to consider adopting old people instead of children or mere babies. In particular they need to focus on the old people that are pretty much failures and have nobody to take care of them. Yes. Those old people are miserable failures but still potentially adorable on a good day. Plus, there are plenty of old people that need adopting right here in the US. That’s right. There is a big surplus of miserable old people needing the kind of love only somebody like Madonna could provide. There may be some old people of that description right here in my own humble neighborhood or house.

Just imagine! Madonna pulls up to the Cow Barn in her limousine. There is a knock on the door. The door opens. Madonna says, Is the old person, Crumby Ovate here? I have come to adopt Crumby. I shall take Crumby away from all this suffering. Crumby shall have a new life and bright future with his adoptive mother, me, Madonna.

Then after Madonna adopted me, that would start a trend among the rich and famous celebrities. They would all adopt old people and just about all the domestic problems everyone has ever thought of, would happily dissolve or disappear.

What’s Fixing to be in the New ROT Curriculum?

Oh well. Nobody cares unless questions covering a particular aspect of the curriculum eventually wind up on the Tejas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS). Chances are, cosmology related questions won’t be among those determining little Jesus's forward progress. Praise the Goddess.

Yes. Alone among the world’s great religions, Druids have no official cosmology. Which is not to say that individual Druids, for example, Badgemagus Swineherd, Ph. D., have not made up personal preference cosmologies from time to time. They have, including the famous Dr. Swineherd’s cosmology. So we Druids recommend that since the new ROT curriculum encourages the kiddies to independently evaluate lots of cosmological explanations, those kiddies should take a hard look at Dr. Swineherd’s cosmology.

However, since this venue is X-rated for cussing, and Dr. Swineherd’s cosmological views are published only on this venue, the kiddies may never get to find out about the Great Intergalactic Cow and Her Fine-Tuned Roosian microscope. Oh well.

Chances are, on the other hand, the kiddies won’t find out much about the cosmology, no matter the brand. It’s like the song says: ♬ Don’t know much about cosmology. Don’t know much cosmetology. Don’t know much about the various books. Don’t recall which bus I took. But I do know if I just say no, I’ll pass the TAKS and they shall let me go, woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, whoa whoa. ♬.

Yes. The humble yet recently refurbished Cow Barn sits in a region of the US that continues to strive for Third World status. Yes. Our leaders fervently desire only to secede again and thereby cut all ties with US civilization. Yes. Our leaders long for those times when a real white man could dine on corn pone and actually know what the heck he was crunching. But corn pone is just an example or indication of the many feelings that were hurt long ago during the great secession. Yes. Corn pone is just one sad example of the many feelings associated with, you know, stuff like corn pone and Jesus, that were sadly lost after the secession but which may be restored to all our noggins, anon, if our leaders have their way.

Like having the little children explore the various cosmologies is a good start. Then once the little children explore the various cosmologies, the individual little children may freely choose which trade school or university they want to attend. For example, Karl the Tracker Druid’s boy, Jesus, after he was exposed to cosmology in high school, went to a famous cosmology college in New York City. Naturally, Karl was bitterly disappointed with Jesus initially. That’s because Karl wanted Jesus to take over the tracker business. But after awhile, Karl got over it because Jesus worked his way up to actually eventually getting to work on the appearances of various lady movie stars. So eventually, Karl, through his son Jesus, got to associate somewhat with a very famous lady movie star or two. But that’s OK because Karl is separated from his former and actual wives and Jesus does not know which one of those ladies is his actual mother. Which, if you think about it, is a switch.

Hello, This is me, Crumby Ovate

I am not here right now. If I both know and like you, I may call back. Bye!

Some may espy that I, Crumby, don’t take advantage of the no-call technology. That way I am constantly afflicted by unsolicited phone calls on my telephone. Those are what my personal phone message interdicts. What industries afflict me? Easy that, the banking, insurance and real estate industries afflict me. They are the ones that constantly call me up. They are also the featured guests at the congressional hearings and the subject of most of the envy regarding the disgusting Mammonite economic spectacle/meltdown one sees on the TV.

So all I have to protect me from all those unsolicited calls from the Mammonite business community is my recorded message. My recorded message protects me pretty well. Praise the Goddess!

Yes it is interesting that the overwhelming bulk of unsolicited phone messages come from “industries” directly controlled by the Demon Mammon. That’s right, Mr. Ovate, you need to refinance your piece of shit home or auto, purchase more insurance, visit our beautiful time-shared condo in beautiful Matagorda County. Those are the type messages I get. Jeez Louise!

A legitimate business never calls you on the phone. Remember! A legitimate business never calls you on the phone. Well. Maybe a legitimate business may call you up, but only after you call them up, first. That’s how a legitimate business, like a baker or plumber operates. That’s why you shall probably be glad to hear from a legitimate business, especially a plumber, versus a Goddess damned banker fixing to commit usury on you.

Why does a plumber or a garbage person or a brain surgeon get paid less than a Wall Street Money Changer? Easy that, it is an arbitrary decision of society. Yes. It is an arbitrary decision that fails every test of logic and morality.

The Bohinia

My Bohinia tree has bloomed twice in 15 years. I have never espied a pollinator on its flowers. In that respect, my Bohinia tree is ecologically inert.

The leaves of my Bohinia tree are similar to all bohine leaves with the characteristic bohine shape. However, the leaves on my Bohinia are big, measuring 50mm in both latitude and longitude. The flowers are similarly big. I have espied other Bohinias with relatively much smaller leaves and flowers.

I don’t know what species of Bohinia mine is. Yet, I may have espied a Bohinia just like mine while watching the * movie, I Dreamed of Africa. Perhaps someone knows what species of Bohinia is featured in that movie. Like I said before, I believe my Bohinia is just like the one in that movie. So maybe if someone knows what that movie Bohinia is, in, I Dreamed of Africa, they can tell what mine is, too.

Remember, a * movie can only be watched for a couple of seconds. Now though, since I saw a Bohinia tree that may be just like mine, I may be fixing to watch more of I Dreamed of Africa so I can espy the Bohinia tree again. That means the official rating of I Dreamed of Africa, may soar up to **.

Economics, Praise Jesus

I have to thank George Will for today’s uplifting message. Praise Jesus! Thank you George for referencing the centuries that the free market has existed on Planet Earth. I always forget that Planet Earth is only a few thousand years old, and for most of its existence, the capitalist free market has ordered economic relationships on a global scale. But just when did the capitalist free market start up? Did it start up in the Garden of Eden, or in Egypt, or after the Exodus, or maybe Jesus was the first free marketeer?

Every week, nearly, I watch George Will on TV. Every week I watch, George Will makes outlandish comments that go totally unchallenged by the other dopes on the panel. Why does this go on? The only explanation I have come up with is that George Will never misses a show. So as a reward for perfect attendance, nobody gets to challenge George’s outlandish remarks, ever.

OK. Assuming the capitalist free market is centuries old, that must mean that it rumbled along sorting out this or that inefficiency, inequity, or irrational exuberance pretty much running perfectly from the Time of Christ until President Franklin Delano Roosevelt fucked up the free market back in the 1930s. Since the 1930s the free market has never operated quite right again because President Roosevelt fucked it up. Although, President Reagan almost fixed it. President Reagan would have fixed it too, except his wife is crazy, and, his boy is a sissy. Those two facts are all that kept President Reagan from restoring the Free Market to its ancient, former glory.

Why does this go on? Well, perhaps this goes on because what’s left of the Free Market assumes that viewers like me shall purchase the products advertised on the show. But they also know that I shall cease watching the show if George Will stops making ridiculous remarks that go totally unchallenged by the rest of the Bozos. Yes. They must know that George Will and his outlandish, unchallenged remarks are all that keep me watching, week after week.

Ha! What the Free Market does not know, because it’s been fucked in the head since Roosevelt, is that I never watch any of the commercials, ever. So the whole point, from the Free Market’s perspective, of providing me with George Will every Sunday, is a total inefficiency, inequity and irrational exuberance. Ha!

Rayetta's Butterflies: 77 for the CB BDS

Hi! It’s me, Rayetta. Yesterday, a butterfly species (I think this make species #77 photographically documented ) new to the CB Butterfly Documentation System was documented. The new one happens to be the mourning cloak (Nymphalis antiopa).

As can be seen from the attached, the CB mourning cloak is a small individual battered by the vicissitudes of life. Plus, its wing margins have turned white from all the trouble it’s seen. Here it is enjoying a nice meal of pecan sap. I have chosen this picture, not the best, overexposed, because of the Alaus sp., also feeding on the sap.

An interesting characteristic of the mourning cloak is its Accipiter-like flight.

Many Predicted, Many Foresaw, Maybe

Americanoland shall never recover from the on-going Republican antics. Yes. That’s what the Druids predicted or foresaw. Many others may have foreseen that too, maybe.

Here’s why Americanoland shall wind up as a rotten turnip. The ruling class has been totally successful at crushing the working class, psychologically and politically. At the same time, the ruling class has moved most of its capital to France, or Switzerland, or Abu Dhabi, same difference. This means that most of us Americanos, the working stiff types, have no ideology, apart from the ruling ideology, and no access to capital. Therefore, most of us are helpless and trapped like rats.

The helpless cry out for help. Help me! Please, help me! Yes. Many of the helpless shall cry out, Help me! Hep me! Hep me! Squeak ! Squeak! Squeak!

But most of the helpless don’t cry out. No. Most of the helpless have too much pride to cry out, Help me, hep me, hep me! They want to cry out! But they can’t.

Meantime the mighty among the rulers loot what’s left of the national treasury. Like dude, if you actually get a real million dollars actually deposited in an offshore account, you have done well dude or grasshopper. So those with the possibility of getting a million dollar bonus and getting that bonus out of Americanoland and offshore into a nice safe bank account are doing just that. Can you blame them?

Well, maybe you can blame them, but the goings-on are probably just as much your fault as their fault. After all, you accepted the ruling ideology. That’s right. Laissez-faire capitalism is what you accepted. You were content with trickle down. You decided to put all your trust in the rich rulers. Yes. A benign rich ruler would save you, just like Oliver Twist finally got saved.

Bushnell Voyager (IT) Review Part II

It arrived Thursday, well boxed, protected and intact. The fact is it took awhile to disengage It from all the bubble wrap. That’s good.

Once I got It unwrapped I discovered that a 5mm Ramsden is included. I had not heard from the seller that the 5mm was included. That’s good.

I set It up on the picnic table. Not tall enough. So I set It on a table on top of the picnic table. That elevated it high enough for me to espy highway signs about half a mile off to the north.

Even though It’s tube was parallel to the ground, It had no trouble holding steady as I went through a number of eps, focusing on the signs. The eps were nothing heavy, the 27mm that comes with It, a 7-22mm zoom and 12.5mm Ortho. It did not flop over while I was changing eps. The tube stuck horizontal to the ground. Never budged. I thought, It could be a good birding scope if one could put up with the upside down images.

All the eps came to focus including the zoom throughout the range. Images seem pretty good considering the heat waves coming off the roads under the signs. Loop was readable at 7mm. So the daytime viewing was a success in terms of sharpness and eps coming to focus. There did seem to be noticeable field curvature with the 27mm but I can live with that. Remember, low expectations.

Tonight I shall try some larger eps, like X-Cels, my biggest 11/4 eps. However, there is no need to stick a big old 18mm X-Cel in It, when It is parallel to the ground anyway. Why would I want to do that? If It will hold steady and not flop over at 45 degrees with X-Cels I shall be really happy.

So far so good. Oh! It, like the seller said, lacks a strap. I am not sure It needs a strap. Maybe, It needs a bag. But that shall be addressed anon, depending on whether It passes Its average amateur astronomy nocturnal equipment test.

Later.

Well the shit pretty much didn’t taste as good in the dark. That’s right. It is out of collimation. Never got to put in an X-Cel. Plus, the collimation of It may be beyond my capacity. But maybe not. I shall try, try, again. Like today, Moon, is up all day so I tried Moon for collimation. Noper. Don’t work. But Moon looks OK.

Later.

Well I jiggered around with the collimation screws. Not sure if I did anything. However, Saturn looks a little better, particularly in some parts of the FOV. I can see Titan. That’s not bad. Hmmm.

What’s this thing good for? I know, open clusters. M41, M48 and M44 are not bad. I should have checked out M46 and M47 but I forgot.

I did not espy M108 in It. But I tried. Oh well!

So far I have decided to keep It as a telescope for awhile as opposed to turning It into a planter. That’s because It is super cute and easy to operate, especially since I rigged up a Rigel base for the Rigel. However, I am not sure I would ever take the trouble to go to a dark site with It as my only scope. On the other hand, if I was out anyway and wanted an average amateur astronomer looksee, I might like to have It along. It might benefit a lot from darker skies.

OK. So I would like to get It collimated a little better. I shall keep fixing to figure that out. I don’t think the eyeball in the middle methodology is quite good enough for such a fast scope. Or that may be the best I can do. We shall see, anon, maybe

Redolent with Fret and Pollution

That describes last night’s atmosphere. The sky looked fairly clear to the naked eye, and it smelled fairly clear, but closer inspection employing higher god or goddesslike powers revealed the truth. For example, Leo’s galaxies were all but invisible.

Galaxies, schmalaxies. This average amateur astronomer had bigger fish to fry. Bigger fish to fry? What a bad metaphor that is! The moons of Saturn are no way bigger than those mighty yet unobtrusive galaxies. They are in fact, comparatively diminutive, yet much closer to the miserable reality here on Planet Earth.

Turns out, the Sky and Telescope home page currently features a Saturn’s Moons Javascript Utility. The utility shows the location of five of Saturn’s brightest moons. Possibly the five brightest. The dimmest of the featured five is 12th magnitude. The dimmest one's name starts with an E. It might be spelled Enchilada.

Out I went in search of the Moons of Saturn. Employing various ep, barlow, and filter combos, I could espy four moons with the 10" Newt. I suspect the elusive, missing fifth moon was Enchilada. Enchilada orbits pretty close to Saturn and it may have been obscured by the Saturn glow. I may need to try for Enchilada in the big Mak, or try again on a better night.

Anyhow, I am happy that I have espied four of the Moons of Saturn. Up ‘til last night, I had never knowingly espied more than one, Titan. So I made some spectacular personal progress.

Personal progress is not to be confused with personal growth. Actual personal growth ends when one reaches ones biological maximum size. After that, one only gets fatter, maybe. However, many may believe in personal growth in a religious or psychological sense. Goddess help those many fools for they are in danger of rotting in Hell forever.

American Capitalism, a Sickening Spectacle

Many may now know what the Druids have known for a good while, our precious ruling class is totally out of ideas. Or rather, they are out of fresh ideas that they wish to submit as public policy. Instead, the ruling class is jumping the ship of state. That’s right. The ruling class is taking its bonus and retiring to France. Their only big idea these days is, take the money and run, or swim. Course, one or two of them may get put in the penitentiary. More likely if the money they took, was off other rulers. Less likely if the penitentiaries go belly up.

Many whine about the AIG bonuses. That’s right. Many whine because they know that bonus money is headed for France. Once that money is in France, Senator Grassley, for example, won’t have a shot at getting that money for corn subsidies. If, on the other hand, the AIG execs commit suicide, Senator Grassley may still have a shot at the money.

Mercy! The ROT senators have been strangely silent on the topic of the great capitalist bailout lately. We would expect, that Cornyn in particular, considering his experience and character, might be on a fact-finding mission to France. The other one though, old lady Hutchinson, has decided to stick it out as governor. No new ideas there.

Yes. The Druids are offended by the sickening spectacle of capitalists behaving in the best Dickensian tradition of capitalism. But what must those who have been led to believe that laissez-faire capitalism is the preferred economic system of God, think? How are those ignoramuses adjusting to the sickening spectacle? Oh well. Perhaps they now understand that laissez-faire capitalism is when the rich retire to France.

Bushnell Voyager 4.5" Family Table Top Telescope MD 78-2010, Review (It)

First off, I need to admit that I am not, nor have I ever been, an employee of any of these companies identified or mentioned in this document either explicitly or by reference to various products. Furthermore, I have no stock or known relatives at any of these companies or any livestock kept at these companies either. Nobody is paying me to write any of this. I wish they were. I could use a little folding money.

OK. Mine may be on the way, maybe. I won it on EBAY. Yes. I won it on EBAY after I lost two Astroscans on the same venue. Not only did I win it, it wound up costing me way less, half, what an Astroscan would have, if I had won one of those Astroscans.

Anon, once it gets here, assuming it survives the trip intact, I shall discover if it is worth winning. According to a few on line reviews, the consensus appears to be, no, it is not worth winning. However, I happen to be one of those average individuals who only believes data acquired via direct personal experience or analogous experience. So I felt the urge to see for myself. Besides, I don’t expect much. That’s right. My expectations are low. And, if it fails miserably as a telescope, I can see it easily making the transition to expensive, decorative plant pot.

Naturally, it has been discontinued by Bushnell. Seems like I always arrive on the tail end of optical product cycles. So the remaining new stock of it is being sold off. Apparently, competition with the Astroscan, and with the newer Orion 4.5" was too much for it. Or, the average amateur astronomer public got wise to it.

Before I won it, or even fixed to win it, and after I dreamed about it, I did some research. Besides reading a few scanty on line reviews, I looked up its instructional pdf file. In that particular pdf file I discovered it may need to be collimated once in a while. Or, collimation is possible. The pdf file collimation procedure is very easy, requiring only a screwdriver and an eyeball. That’s good.

Mine, that has reportededly already been sent on its journey to the Cow Barn, maybe, is missing its carry strap and its 5mm ep. It does however, still have its 27mm ep and its stand. So right there, I can sort of espy what I’m up against. If it meets my low expectations, I shall need to rig up a new strap. I have plenty of eps so that 5mm won’t be missed..

All righty. That’s about all this review I can do until it actually arrives. When it arrives, Goddess Willing, this review shall be continued.

Attached is an artist's perception or conception of my IT being enjoyed or modeled by the WG as per my dream. However, the artist did not have crayolas handy so the conception is not in Technicolor.

Big Well-Coifed Rick, Mighty Moopoob of the Secesh

Mercy! Here I sit, barely erect. Afflicted by many moons. Afflicted by this or that.

Yet despite the many personal afflictions which also constitute my personal burdens or heavy loads, I am hardly able, as well, to consider Rick Perry, the Mighty Moopoop of the ROT, another tax burden for me to bear. However, when I consider Rick, piecemeal, I realize that I am wasting my time. The only way to consider the Mighty Moopoop is in the context of the secesh. And the secesh, altogether, are a huge burden.

Correct. Even today, a good many years since the Rebs ceased large scale military operations against the US, the war for secession burbles along. These days, most, of the secesh effort focuses not on open warfare, but on passive resistance to US civilization. Mighty Moopoop Rick is one stalwart leader of the secesh resistance.

Consider those slightly to the political right of big Rick. There they are, whining because their ancestors never got compensated for slaves freed during the secession. That’s right. The US government like seized their property. Then the government never paid for that property.

At one time many figured that these people were joking. Turns out, they are serious. They want compensation for great grampa’s freed slaves, the family’s long lost property.

So far, unable to actually receive any compensation for lost property rights, or restore slavery, or secede again, advocates for the Republic of Tejas, led by Big Rick, thwart US civilization at every turn. Which is what the latest Dickensian refusal to accept the bailout money is all about. Correct. The ROT must resist any and all civilizing US initiatives that might trouble the propertied businessmen of the republic.

Astroscan or Astroscan Knockoff

OK. As many may recall, I have been considering the purchase of some average amateur astronomy gear that I could easily tote anywhere with little or no exasperation involved. Like I could simply toss that gear into the pee cup next to the terrier and away I’d go. Actually, I have two small Maks that generally fit that bill. But those twain are nearly worthless when it comes to wide view, low power, average amateur astronomy. Plus, their alt-az tripod sucks and is a general pain in the ass. That about covers the polymorphously erotic short comings of that particular tripod.

No. I need something like really easy, a honest to Goddess three hole slut. I thought seriously about binoculars. But I already have perhaps the best binoculars ever made, the Nikon SE 10x42. And I thought, shit fuck man, you shall never be satisfied with some goofy big old bins that require a tripod anyway and probably suck in cat turds optically.

Once I thought all that, I about gave up on my original thought. But then the WG came to me in a dream. What you need Crumby, is an Astroscan or an Astroscan knockoff! Let Me, illustrate.

Then the Goddess did an ad, fer me, featuring an Astroscan and an Astroscan knockoff. The ad was in technicolor. All that was visible in the ad was the average amateur astronomer equipment and the beautiful hands and plump arms of the WG pointing out various features. The beautiful hands of the Goddess gently fondled the average amateur equipment. Her beautifully manicured painted nails pointed to this or that interesting feature. By the time the ad ended, I was sold on the purchase of an Astroscan or Astroscan knockoff. I could barely wait to wake up. Yes. I needed to wake up and check out the offerings on EBAY.

Ever since that night, I’ve been on EBAY,
Struggling through the night,
Right there on EBAY
Wondering through the night,
Was my bid high enough!

Good Goddess! I am still fixing to try and win an Astroscan or Astroscan knockoff at a reasonable price on EBAY. You’d think that in a goddess damned depression like the one we are currently mired in, that would be easy. But is it easy? Fuck me in the anus! Course it’s not easy!!!! Nothing, in a depression is ever, easy.

President Obama is Doing a Swell Job

That’s right. Given what he has to work with, President Obama is doing a swell job. Swell! We, the Americano people are what he has to work with. Yes. President Obama has the Americano people, plus our common sense versus our opinions going for him. Yikes!

Naturally, with a depression fixing to loom up just as soon as Planet Earth heads a little further out into the stygian darkness of outer space, the main thing President Obama is doing a swell job of is fixing the economy. That’s right. President Obama, like many of the Democratic presidents before him, is supposed to fix the economy versus fuck it up, the traditional responsibility of the other party.

When many of the old people still living today were mere babies, garbed in swaddling clothes, lying in mangers, there was an opinion that rose to the status of a saying. What was that saying? Easy, that saying was: When the democrats are in, we have a war. When the republicans are in, we have a depression.

Hmmm. Looking back, it might seem that the collective experience that promulgated that old saying might have been the collective experience of just one or two democratic and republican administrations. But that’s OK. The system is not that old. Back then, the system was even younger. You have to begin some time with those type sayings. Right?

Economics though is a fairly mysterious social science. That’s correct. Apparently you have to take a bunch of the economic opinions on faith to understand how economics actually works. For example, many believe the market regulates itself. The market regulates itself. That’s worth repeating. The market regulates itself.

The Easter Bunny produces a shelled amniote egg. The Easter Bunny produces a shelled amniote egg. The Easter Bunny produces a shelled amniote egg.

Since the market regulates itself and the Easter Bunny produces a shelled amniote egg, all President Obama needs to do is stimulate the Bejesus out of the economy with deficit spending on anything under the Sun including the continuing colonial operations in miserable Iraq and Afghanistan. Any sort of government spending will eventually stimulate the economy to regulate itself, much like Metamucil stimulates me to regulate myself. Then, once the deficit spending takes effect, we shall be free of depression.

Yes. Government spending has always worked and shall continue to always work, sparing us perpetual economic doldrums, for so long as we enjoy a self-regulating free market in which everyone is willing to wholly subsidize the antics of the rich. Correct. All of us subsidize the antics of the rich. It is the price we pay so everyone may enjoy a self-regulating free market. Give Bernie Madoff a hundred dollars, and let him go.

A question that has troubled my noggin recently though is: Do the rich, trust, one another? Apparently they do. Perhaps trust is what separates the rich from the downtrodden and miserable. Like I bet if you put two rich guys in a room with like a million jewels, and one of the rich guys says, Excuse me, I need to go see Ms. Murphy. Then the rich guy who is left alone with all those jewels, just spends his time casually examining a few of the jewels until the other rich guy gets back from visiting Ms. Murphy. That’s right. He would never spend his time alone with the jewels, stuffing those jewels up his anus. That’s because he trusts that when the other rich guy returns, they shall come up with an amicable arrangement regarding the jewels.

Hmmm. Maybe the parable of the two rich guys with the jewels is another example of how the free market may regulate itself.

Asteroid almost Kills Dozens

Yesterday a big asteroid zoomed past the earth at a high rate of speed. Praise the Goddess it just zoomed by. If it had hit Earth, dozens might have perished including me. Actually though, if you think about it, wouldn’t it be pretty cool to know an actual person that was killed by an asteroid. That would be practically unique. Like what if one of my friends, say Karl the Tracker Druid, or Nancy, or Mary the Virgin, or, Goddess forbid, Rayetta, or Ray, or maybe one of Ray’s girlfriends, or Red or somebody I know was actually killed dead by an asteroid. Good Goddess, if that happened I would have the option of appearing on TV to explain my opinion of what happened. Then, if I was a big hit on the nightly news I might get my own book contract and a TV show. Good Goddess Man!

Alas, the asteroid in question entirely missed Earth. Too bad. Many would have survived. Yes. Many would have survived to tell the tale of how they were spared during the great asteroid attack on Planet Earth.

Who or what is sending these fierce asteroids against our tiny defenseless planet? Oh, I know what most of you shall answer. Most of you believe Upup the Hermaphroditic Lord or Lordette of Gravity is afflicting Earth with these pesky asteroids. On the other hand, some of you believe Jesus may be responsible. Others blame this strange heathen God or that strange heathen God or even Goddess. And some of you, yes, some of you blame whatever earthly scapegoats come to mind. Like for example, the Sissies. Yes. Undoubtedly, all of us variously innocent Earthlings are afflicted with asteroids because of the Sissies.

Ha! Have you ever heard someone say, Shit man, I need to go see the doctor about this asteroid. It itches like crazy. Futher mucking Sissies!

Ha! You never heard anyone say that!

I’m Skeered II

One way to avoid being skeered out of yer wits 24/7, and still watch TV, is to distract yourself by inventing a personal movie rating system. Ray and I have been working on our system since we decided on the need for such a system last night. Yes. We have worked pretty dang hard on our movie rating system except for when we were asleep.

This is the movie rating system we have come up with.

***** - The movie may be watched lots of times.

**** - The movie may be watched twice.

*** - The movie may be watched once.

** - The movie may be partly watched.

* - The movie is not fixing to get watched ever again after about two seconds.


Our system should be good for many average TV movie watchers hoping to avoid the scary TV news. For example, let’s say you don’t wish to fully concentrate all your intellect on a movie. What you need in that situation is a ** movie like Gods and Generals which is currently featured on some of the cable movie channels. Gods and Generals is one of the most boring movies ever made. That’s right. Not only is Gods and Generals especially boring, it is around four hours long, a perfect example of a ** star movie.

Be warned though, the only reason Gods and Generals gets ** stars as opposed to * star is the cast, which includes Robert Duvall representing General Lee. Robert Duvall plays General Lee as if General Lee just snaps out of a deep coma immediately prior to uttering any lines. Hey! Some of you men there, sit General Lee on Traveler. Then wake him up. He has some lines.

Now remember, the Ray and Crumby movie rating system only works for movies viewed in the comfort of one’s own home or domicile. Obviously, a movie like Gods and Generals would not be two stars at a movie theater or drive in. No. Gods and Generals would receive a lower rating out in the public arena.

What about those ***** movies though? Is there an upward limit on how many times an average person can watch those ***** movies? Ray and I believe there is. For example, Ray and I can no longer watch Braveheart. For the twain of us, me and my bosom companion, Braveheart has gone from being a ***** movie to a *movie. So you may be able to discern from this example that our rating system may be afflicted with an upward limit problem. That’s why our movie rating system shall never be approved as official Druid Doctrine. It lacks universality. Yes. It lacks universality and underlines the fact that we mere Earthlings understand so little about the actual Universe.

You know, the potential demise of the free press, anon, is pretty scary just by itself. What shall happen to everyone once the freedom of the press is curtailed by the inability of the press to make a profit? What shall happen when the freedom to own the press is an inconsequential, worthless, profitless pile of dung or major elephant shit? What shall that be like, once the freedom to own the press is worthless? Egad!

Ray and I have thought about this problem quite a bit over the last couple of days. What we have thought is, Could Ray and me step into the actual news vacuum at some point? How could Ray and me bring the news to average Amercanos and still make the outrageous profits due a jet-set lifestyle?

Would we actually ever go over to the Tejano do yer Zipper Up Capitol and listen to the debatos over Peekture Ids fer Voteros? Ha! Unlikely that. Not even for the outrageous profits due a jet-set lifestyle. However, considered seriously and in the absence of honor, in the Tejano tradition, Ray and I work cheap. So we might come to an arrangement.

Ant Day, DY 3, or 2009 of the Julian

Today is Ant Day, our most important secular holiday. Yesterday, naturally, was Ant Day Eve. However, Red has officially decided, we are not fixing to poison our ants this year. The termite threat is too great. We may have dry land termites, the worse kind.

So all we get to do for Ant Day is join the festivities at city hall. My bosom companion Ray is the designated liar. That’s right. Ray is fixing to go to the festivities and lie about how the CB is fixing to poison our ants. That way, nobody in these parts shall think we are unpatriotic or slackers or unusual.

With President Obama in the White House, the urge to appear completely average is, well, less urgent. Nevertheless, on important occasions like Ant Day, the urge to appear average is, for average white people, like a biological imperative, hard to overcome.

Mercy! I don’t know what I am fixing to do with myself after Ant Day. Night after night the sky is cloudy. That rules out average amateur astronomy. And since the rain falleth never, my diurnal hobbies; botany, entomology, ornithology, community ecology and deer management are likely to be of less than average interest. I may have to get a futher mucker job just to stay average. Futher mucker!

But we need to put off fretting about the future until post Ant Day. Yes. That’s right. We need to live every moment to the fullest so we can enjoy Ant Day to the max. Here I go, fixing to dress up for Ant Day.

I’m Skeered

That’s right. For some reason or other, the Media, both liberal and conservative have whipped me up into a fretful frenzy. Correct. Lo Republic do Tejano is no longer safe from the organized Mexican dope fiend killers. The fact is, the organized Mexican dope fiend killers have bumped Islamic fascist terrorists as most likely to fill vacant school bus driver positions in these parts. There they are, lined up, fixing to get jobs as school bus drivers. Imagine the fate of the little children. No wonder I’m skeered.

Coinciding with the organized Mexican dope fiend killer stories are additional stories predicting large Hispanic majorities, especially in places like the ROT, in just a few short years. So combining the twain story lines, we have the ROT figuring to be just like Mexico, an organized Mexican dope fiend killer paradise, in about ten years. No wonder I’m skeered.

Yes. I am at least as skeered as I was when the Islamic fascist terrorists were fixing to get me.

Dopes and Taxes

First off, let me provide everyone with the official Druid position, also my position. Yes. Let me make the Druid opinion, or my opinion, clear to everyone. I am totally in favor of dopes. Just one brief example, I would love to grow Cannabis sativa on site. Then once I grew it up, I would manufacture marijuana chewing tobacco. All you need for marijuana chewing tobacco is ground up marijuana plus a little molasses.

But of course, manufacturing marijuana chewing tobacco is illegal. So instead of doing what I really want to do for dope, I am fixing to fire up a still. Yes. I shall make cheap whiskey. That way I can stay drunk until the economy improves.

Consider the Americano Homeland. Consider all that divides the various citizens of our Homeland based on opinions. Consider that opinions differ, regarding both dopes and taxes.

Yes. Our miserable opinions are split apart on both dopes and taxes. Some favor this or that dope. Some favor this or that tax. Some favor all the dopes, and none of the taxes. However, no one, probably, favors all the taxes and none of the dopes.

What this all means is, everybody should get to choose their own preferred dopes and also get to choose what their taxes go to pay for. That’s what the Druids believe and that’s what I believe.

But no. Nooooo! Instead, in the Americano Homeland we pay taxes to wage wars on drugs. Not only that, those wars are like a double whammy for waste and fraud because one side in the war pays taxes and the other side does not. So the war is totally unfair to the average consumer.

I can confidently tell everyone this. If I got to choose what to pay my taxes toward, not one thin dime, not one buffler nickel, not even a zinc penny would go for supporting fat ass cops shaking down hard-working drug dealers. Not a hay penny.

And another thing that really pisses me off is that nickel is not spelled out anywhere on the nickle. Actually, since I found out that you can spell it nickel or nickle, same difference, I am not pissed off so much anymore. But I do think nickel or nickle ought to be spelled out on the nickel or nickle.

Probably, the preferred spelling is nickel because the ending -el is easier to make longer words out of. Like, nickelodeon versus nickleodeon. Nickleodeon sounds like a French word. Even so, many probably surmise that nickel is like the coin and nickle is like the elemental metal or vice versa. If you hold this sort of ignorant opinion, Goddess have mercy on your soul.

Comet Lulin - Harbinger for the End of Days?

Saturday I was presented with a treat. Remember, when it comes to treats, it’s the thought that counts. My treat is the Limited Release, Pipeline Porter made with 100%Kona Coffee. It’s like when an especially handsome couple is blessed with an especially ugly child. That’s how Pipeline Porter tastes. Mercy! Maybe it would be better if they had used Chock Full O’ Nuts Instant. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Matter of fact I am swigging down a bottle of Pipeline Porter at this very nonce. It tastes terrible. Yes. Truly terrible. It tastes like Karl Rove requesting of some nice lady, Call me Karl. Call me Karl or I shall squeal like a pig. That’s how bad it tastes.

Kona Brewing Company offerings are generally delicious. But skip the Pipeline Porter. Mercy! Gaaaaaaaaaaah! I just took another swig. Awful!

Comet Lulin is fading like the Wicked Witch. Is the visual petering out of Comet Lulin another portent of H’ar-Ma-Geddon? Does the petering down of Comet Lulin indicate that Gomorrah may make a comeback, this time around as world usury capitol? That would be great. All the world’s most famous banks headquartered in a restored yet beautiful Gomorrah.

Yuck! I just took another swig. Waste not, want not.

After lo these many Bible years of searching the sky for faint fuzzy galaxies, that is, weeks and weeks in regular, normal, average person time, I decided last night to espy the famous planetary nebula, Ghost of Jupiter, again. Good Goddess! It sure is nice to actually espy something easily. Something that pops out of the ep. Then after I espied Ghost of Jupiter, I went ahead over and looked for NGC galaxies in Leo. I actually espied a new one, NGC 3521. NGC 3521 must be very bright taking into account this polluted sky and a poor night.

Peter out, down, up, along, off, on, in, etc. No wonder this venue is x-rated. But does the petering out of Comet Lulin portend anything besides the petering out of Comet Lulin? Everyone who believes the petering of Comet Lulin is a portent or harbinger of events right here on earth should hastily make this or that prediction known. Cause soon, Comet Lulin shall be almost forgotten.

Hold it. This bottle is empty. Bleh! The after taste is like when I accidentally drank out of the toilet. I better go get some more. I have four bottles left. Waste not, want not.

Yes. Forgotten by many but not by me. No. I shall always remember Comet Lulin, just as I shall always remember Comet Holmes. I shall remember those twain comets, Lulin and Holmes, Holmes and Lulin as the comets that made a difference in my life.